My life is completely different than it was at this time last year.
I wish I had a step-by-step secret formula that I could share with you. That would make things a lot easier for both of us.
All I can do is share my story. I can tell you what I did with no expectation that you do what I did, or that even what I did will work for you.
If nothing else, I want you to know that there is hope. That you can do a lot of hard things. If you are in the middle of a tough season, I want you to know that it won’t last forever.
At this time last year, I was lost and sad.
I was working in a job that felt like torture. My body was completely rebelling against me (or at least that’s how I thought of it at the time). My oldest child left for college. My youngest child came out as non-binary. I lost two of my beloved dogs, ages 13 and 14 within a few months of each other.
This was a lot at one time.
There were days I could barely get off the couch.
And all of this was happening at a time when I had been on a well-traveled spiritual development path. Of course, no one ever arrives on such a journey, but I had tools. I was using my tools. I was still fucked.
I was meditating and journaling my ass off. I was staying hydrated. I was reaching out for support. I was seeking the help of doctors and therapists.
I still felt like shit.
And that’s the point I’m trying to make. As I reflect back on that time a year later, I have an understanding that sometimes things are just hard. It’s not because you’ve done anything wrong and you are being punished. It’s not because karma is biting you in the ass.
When it feels like your world is crumbling around you, the best thing to do is surrender.
This is not easy and it is not necessarily instinctual. Your instincts might be to go into fix mode. You might want to frantically search for answers. You might try to just work a little harder. You might try to just push a little further.
Please don’t.
Please, just let it be for a minute. Times like these are for self-care. When you find yourself in a hole, it can be easy to get swept away in a tide of negative thoughts and self-destructive behavior.
The only way out of something like this is through.
Gradually I adjusted to the completely different energy in my home. We went from a household of four people and three dogs to three people and one dog. We went from the hustle and bustle of Senior year to the spaciousness of free evenings and weekends.
The gift of this time was that I reached a breaking point. I could no longer fight against the current. I had to let go.
And in the surrender, I made a decision to live a life that felt good to me. There were many things that were out of alignment. There were many things that were ok. There were many things that were tolerable. There were many things that were eating me alive.
I wish that I could pinpoint a single moment of clarity.
It was a series of little decisions to find joy. I had to seek pleasure with purpose. And gradually, day by day, I gained the momentum and the courage to take action toward the life that I desired.
I made choices that felt dangerously uncomfortable. I spent some time getting clear about what was truly important to me. In order for me to do that, I had to let go of the expectations put on me by others. This left me feeling raw and exposed.
I had to be tender with myself. I had to tell the people around me to be tender with me. I had to humble myself and apologize when I lost my shit because it all felt like too much.
I became ok with being misunderstood.
This is how I learned to love myself. Gradually, I uncovered the truth about who I am. I made peace with my body. I made decisions about how to fill the gaping holes left in my heart.
I know that the greatest service I can be to others comes from sharing these difficult and unquantifiable shifts. I had some wonderful friends and heaven-sent mentors that held me through the difficult times.
And now, as I look back on the other side of this time from a place of self-compassion I am able to hold the door for those of you who are on the same path.
It’s how we heal. We speak and we hold space for others while they are finding their footing. This is the beauty of our interconnectedness.
Yours in service ❤️️
Amanda
Wanna stay in touch? I send out an email newsletter with journal prompts and reflection questions at each new moon and full moon. Plus, I will give you my Self-Care Menu PDF as a little bonus.
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