It doesn't have to be painful, but it may not be what you think
Pssst!
Come closer…I want to tell you a secret.
Holiday stress is entirely optional.
The last two months of the year used to be a breeding ground for my stress and anxiety. November and December were like Petri dishes housed in the perfect conditions for a ripe overgrowth of disdain, stress, and exhaustion.
So. Many. Obligations.
Secret Santas, holiday dinners, parties, cookie exchanges, figuring out the perfect gift for everyone, writing and sending cards, decorating….
I could go on, but I am sure you see my point.
Some people absolutely love all of that stuff. If this is you, then by all means, keep your holiday cheer and your Hallmark movies. I am not here to yuck someone else’s yum.
But if you are like me, and this business makes you want to rip your hair out and you end up white-knuckling your mental health until January 2nd every year, hear me out.
You don’t have to participate in any of it.
You don’t have to compete for the merriest light show on the block. You can say “no thank you” to the office gift exchange. You can pass on all of the party invites that you don’t really want to attend. You can stay home on Black Friday. You can even *gasp* not put up a Christmas tree.
In recent years I have engaged in various levels of a lassez-faire, no fucks given disregard to holiday traditions. Each year I experiment with taking it just a little bit further. Each year I feel more free.
So, if you want to forge your own courageous path out of needless stress and obligation, I am here for you.
Here are my tips for setting unpopular boundaries around your sanity during the holidays.
1. Say no to holiday dinners
When I was a kid, Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday. I loved the sentiment behind it. I thought it was cool to hang out with the family, have a big feast, and go around the table and declare your gratitude.
As an adult, I started to question the “why” behind Thanksgiving. What are we actually celebrating? I was taught that Thanksgiving originated as a goodwill feast between Native Americans and Pilgrims. I was sold on the idea that two different cultural groups could come together and share a meal, thereby ending all strife and discontent.
These days, I really can’t get behind a tradition that was created to alleviate white guilt over the dissemination of an entire race of people. It is impossible to ignore the fact that the only reason America as we know it exists is because it was stolen from the Native people.
Aside from the racist origins of the holiday, it's a lot of fucking work to prepare a meal of that magnitude. I don’t even like turkey that much. Not that I do the cooking. Thankfully my husband runs that department. But I do the cleaning and the shopping and the planning.
Of course I loved Thanksgiving when I was a kid! I didn’t have to do anything except eat pumpkin pie and play cards with my cousins. As an adult, it's a hard pass.
This goes for Christmas, New Year's, Boxing Day, Haunauka, Kwanzaa...insert any others I forgot, it doesn't matter. "No, thank you" is always an option.
2. Say no to holiday decorating.
I like things to be decorated. I don’t like to decorate.
Some day I will have the means to hire someone to decorate for me if I decide I want holiday decorations. Today is not that day, so I keep holiday decorating to a bare minimum.
I still have a school-age child at home, and they love to put up a tree. About 2 years ago, I handed over the reins of the holiday decorating to them. I let go completely. I didn’t rearrange any ornaments that were crowded at their eye level. I didn’t redistribute the red bows and the gold bulbs to create a more balanced aesthetic.
The only thing I did was put the pieces of the tree together and made sure that the lights worked.
Two things happened. My kiddo felt a sense of pride that they were given an important task and were trusted to see it through and I got practice letting go of perfectionism and another senselessly obligatory holiday tradition.
3. Give up finding the perfect gifts for everyone.
I am a big fan of The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. There are a lot of folks out there who love giving and receiving gifts. It’s a way to show their love and affection to the people they care about. I got no beef with gifts.
What I am not available for is the gut-wrenching stress I used to feel over budgeting and shopping and hoping that the gift I picked out for someone was the exact perfect thing that they wanted (but was still a total surprise).
Luckily, most of my immediate family fall into the quality time and acts of service Love Language camps, so we do a lot of gift cards and cash around here.
I hear so many people offer disclaimers when they give gift cards. Phrases like, “Sorry, I know it’s not personal” get thrown around to soften the blow of an anti-climactic exchange.
Are you kidding me? I would much rather get a gift card to one of my favorite stores or cash for the pedicure that I would never splurge on for myself than something that I would never use and just get rid of in February.
Over here, we are totally good with letting go of the drama of opening large, exquisitely wrapped mystery packages. If we do get each other physical items they are purchased directly off an Amazon wishlist.
Sorry, not sorry!
I am not anti-holiday. I am anti-senseless obligation. I am pro-self-care. I am pro-sanity.
I know some folks absolutely live for the holidays. If that’s you, rock on. I love that for you. If sugar cookies and twinkle lights give you goosebumps, I hope that this holiday season brings you all the magic you can handle.
If holiday obligations put your mental health in danger, trigger trauma, or cause needless stress and cost you your peace, I am here to tell you that you don’t HAVE to do anything.
You will get some eyebrow raises when you answer the “got any plans for the holidays?” question with “Nope, we’re opting out this year,” and that’s ok. Other people don’t need to understand or approve.
Your job is to do what is best for you and your family. File anything else under “Not My Problem” and get on with living your life in a way that works for you.
Have you ever opted out of a holiday tradition? If this sounds like something you want to try, let me know how it goes. I’m rooting for you.
Wanna stay in touch? I send out an email newsletter with journal prompts and reflection questions at each new moon and full moon. Plus, I will give you my Self-Care Menu PDF as a little bonus.
If you want to support my work and my coffee habit, you can do so here. ✌️